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Yes? What? Yes?

Kate is back home, but I haven’t made it to my apartment yet. In the meantime, here’s a skit I wrote when I was in the sixth grade. As I recall, my friends and I actually acted it out for a class. According to the script, which is dated March 17, 2001, Brian played the narrator, Mark played Brian, Sean played Yes, Nick played What, and I played You. Abbott and Costello were duly credited.

Narrator: It was a dark, gloomy, bright, sunny day at the McFlooglebooglesnoogle house. Two people named What and Yes walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. Brian McFlooglebooglesnoogle opened the door.
Brian McFlooglebooglesnoogle: Yes?
Yes: What?
What: Yes?
Yes: What?
What: Yes?
Brian: You guys are confusing me. What do you want?
What: Want what?
Brian (to himself): Yes, you’re nuts.
Yes: Pardon?
What (to Brian): Don’t worry, he’s always like this.
Brian: Like what?
What: He’s not like me at all! We’re two different people.
Brian: Yes, you are.
Yes: I’m what?
(You walks up to the door and listens in.)
What: You’re not me, you’re you!
You: He isn’t me!
(pause)
Brian (to You): Who are you?
You: Yes.
Yes: What?
What: Yes?
Yes: Yes?
What: You are Yes.
You: Once and for all, I’m not Yes! (looks at Yes) I’m You!
Yes: I’m yes, no?
Brian: What?
What: Yes?
Yes: What?
Brian: Will you stop that!
You: Stop what?
What: I’m not doing anything!
(pause)
You: I’m getting confused.
Brian: Who’s getting confused?
Yes: Hey, leave Who out of this. He’s a nice guy.
Brian: Who’s Who?
What: I’m What (points to Yes), this is Yes (points to You), and this is You.
Brian: I’m right here.
Yes: We know. You’s over there.
What: Yes he is.
Yes: I know he is!
(pause)
Brian (to Yes): What’s your name?
Yes: No, Yes.
Brian: What?
What: Yes?
Yes: What?
What: I don’t know!
(pause)
Brian: Okay, okay, let’s start over. What did you want to say?
What: Want to say what?
You: You wanted to say yourself?
Yes: I’m baffled. (to What) Are you baffled?
You: I’m You, and my name isn’t Baffled!
Brian (to himself): But your name is baffling.
(pause)
What: Where were we?
Yes: I don’t know.
You: What about him?
What: Me about him what?
Brian: Stop it!
You: Stop what?
What: But I’m not doing anything!
(pause)
Brian: Alright already! The man’s name standing on the left is…?
Yes: What.
Brian: His name.
Yes: What.
Brian: The man’s name!
Yes: What.
Brian: The fellow standing next to you!
Yes: What.
Brian: You call him what?
You: Yes, and so does Yes.
Yes: What?
What: Yes?
(pause)
Brian: Now, stop that. Who’s there on the right?
You: Which right?
Brian: My right.
You: That would be my left, right?
Brian: Right. What’s his name?
What: Yes.
Brian (points to Yes): No, his name is Yes! So what’s your name?
What: Yesiree.
You (to Brian): His name is What!
Brian: Apparently, it’s Yesiree.
You: No, What!
Brian: I don’t follow.
What: He lives down the block.
(pause)
Brian: That fellow in the back, what’s his name?
Yes: I told you (points to What), What is over here!
Brian: I don’t know.
What: He lives across the street.
(pause)
Brian: What is the name of the person behind you?
Yes: What is over here, and there’s no one behind You!
Brian: I know!
You: That’s I Don’t Know’s sister.
(pause)
Brian: So, why did you come here in the first place?
You: To accompany Yes and What.
Brian (to Yes and What): Well then, why are you here?
Yes and What: To accompany You.
Brian: Me?
What (pointing to You): No, him.
Brian: You make up your mind!!
You: About what?
What: Me?
Brian (angrily): GO AWAY!! (Slams door on You, Yes, and What.)
You (yelling to Brian): That’s my next-door neighbor!

The End