The evil eye
Mon Apr 12, 2010 00:01 (UTC -5)In one of my classes last week, a girl I study with passed me a note. I was a bit confused until I opened it up and read it. It said that a particular guy in the class was creepily staring at her and that she was going to leave class early if he didn’t stop.
I felt really bad for her. No one should have to choose between being able to pay attention in class and not feeling used or threatened. I wanted to do something to help, so I positioned my chair so that he (hopefully) wouldn’t be able to see her. I don’t think he bothered her again.
I was glad that I could try to do something, but at the same time, I felt bad about myself. I look at young women too, and while I don’t intend for them to notice, they probably do sometimes. In fact, I’m sure of it, because there are sometimes the awkward moments when they see that I’m looking. I don’t mean anything bad by it, but they have no way of knowing that.
I don’t have much of an idea of what it’s like on the other side. Once in a while I hear female friends talking about creepy guys staring at them. It seems therapeutic for them to discuss it together, even if they’re seemingly just laughing it off. One friend once told me she’ll stare back at a man’s wedding ring until he realizes it and averts his glance, visibly embarrassed.
Along with this article I linked to recently, last week’s incident made me slightly but painfully more aware of some of the things that women have to deal with all the time. I’d like to get some more perspectives so I can try to understand what’s really going on here and what can be done about it.
With that in mind, I have some questions for my female friends and readers: How often do people stare at you? How does it make you feel? What do you do about it? Do you ever ogle anyone yourself? Is it ever okay? Leave a comment. Discuss. I really want to know. (And let’s not make it heteronormative; anyone may chime in.)
You know what I haven’t done in a while? Answered an Ask Jordon question, that’s what. And look, it comes from Kate. Yes, that Kate!
Kate: If you could get a free ticket to any country (any city, any place) of the world, what would you choose and why?
That’s a tough question. In the past, I probably would have answered London or some other big city in Europe, but I’ve already been to Europe, so I think I’d try something new. Since money is no object here, I think I’d want to go somewhere I’d never otherwise be able to go to, like the South Pole. That would make a great Facebook profile picture.
If we’re talking about actual cities in actual countries, then I’d probably consider Tokyo as well. My impression of Japan, which comes mainly from Lost in Translation and the kinds of people I hung out with in high school, is that it has a very different society from ours and is far ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to technology. That’s something I’d like to see for myself.
Interesting video: a British doctor explains the placebo effect and its practical consequences. (Via Pharyngula)
Filed under Ask Jordon, Friends, Musings and Observations, Science, Stuff
11 comments
#1 by name: Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:55 (UTC -5)
Since being groped in crowded public places several times, I no longer find staring creepy. It took me ten minutes to realize I was being followed once, and I nearly gave the man behind me a heart attack when the sudden realization of the situation and my extreme outbust and reaction caught him off guard. He literally shook of shock, pounced left, then right, then ran off left.
In retrospect the look on his face was beyond funny. I guess what I mean is there is a lot worse things than staring.
#2 by Laura: Mon Apr 12, 2010 12:00 (UTC -5)
I think it depends on the situation. If I’m just sitting in class it’s not a big deal, but if I’m at work or trying to accomplish something and I’m being distracted by someone staring at me it can get a bit frustrating.
I agree with the first comment though; there are a lot worse things than staring.
#3 by kristen: Mon Apr 12, 2010 12:10 (UTC -5)
i’d say, worse than someone staring at you is someone “hollering” at you. you just basically have to ignore it, or tell them off if they keep bothering you (that’s easier to do with a group of girls rather than one girl by herself).
#4 by Kirsten: Mon Apr 12, 2010 14:25 (UTC -5)
Most of the time if someone is staring at me, they’re staring at my hair. Being a natural redhead invites a certain amount of staring, and while I don’t particularly like being the center of attention, I’ve grown to appreciate my hair color and that I don’t have to spend the oodles of money that some people do to get this color.
As far as your classmate’s situation goes, there’s the matter of instinct at play here. First of all, it’s never polite to stare, though occassionally looking or even turning your head to get a better look, especially while out and about, isn’t a big deal (if a woman does call you out on turning your head to look at her as you walk down the street, then she’s a self-centered bitch). But staring incessantly is creepy, and you did a good thing by helping your classmate feel more comfortable. Also, being as self-aware as you are of your behavior, I don’t think you have to worry about creeping anyone out.
#5 by Claire: Wed Apr 14, 2010 00:49 (UTC -5)
If it’s dark, they look creepy, they stare too much or they’re much too old for me, then I find it to be an uncomfortable situation. But otherwise, as long as they’re not staring, it’s fine.
#6 by Jordon Kalilich: Thu Apr 15, 2010 22:35 (UTC -5)
Insightful comments, everybody. Keep them coming.
#7 by Sarah: Tue Apr 20, 2010 17:42 (UTC -5)
It usually doesn’t bother me, because I like looking at people too. Normally if someone (male or female, I don’t discriminate with my staring, ha ha) notices, I just smile at them or say hi and then look somewhere else.
There was one incident that was pretty upsetting; I don’t have air conditioning in my car so I take off a couple layers after leaving the office, usually down to an undershirt. Some ass who had just pulled out of a strip club on the road where I work saw me do this at a light, and leered, gesturing and smiling in what I suppose was an “approving” fashion. I shakily raised a nasty gesture of my own and then drove off at the green light, feeling terrible.
But most people don’t mean anything bad by it, I know this. Don’t feel bad about looking at people… take the awkward out of it by smiling or saying hello. People are fascinating. There’s nothing I’d rather study (read: stare at).
#8 by Kate: Mon May 10, 2010 07:29 (UTC -5)
I thought this question didn’t deal with me. But recently I’ve remembered that if I come to a show (usually metal), some guys do stare at me. It really sucks and I just wanna hide myself. Can’t I be just a music lover, not a female? But okay, I just stay away and it’s not so disturbing. That’s all about shows. What’s a real holy crap? When they touch you, intentionally. At such moments I don’t have any humanistic ideas: if I only had a gun, they would be dead. From this side, staring is OK.
#9 by Jordon Kalilich: Mon May 10, 2010 12:27 (UTC -5)
How often does that happen, Kate? I hope not too much.
#10 by Kate: Tue May 11, 2010 06:17 (UTC -5)
It happened during only the last year, 2 times, so not too much. But the feeling it brings is really disgusting. I guess it also happens with other girls. Since we’re talking not only about staring… Recently it was a holiday, and the city was full of partying men. While I was walking home, there were lots of them disturbing me – some tried to talked to me, some, who were going by car, stopped near me and honked. I was in despair. Now I’m thinking not to go out on holiday evenings, ’cause I can’t walk in peace. Fortunately, holidays are only few times in a year.
#11 by Kate: Wed May 12, 2010 06:05 (UTC -5)
It’s off top, but I was recalling different accidents and remembered this one. Some years ago I was going home from work and a man, who was approaching me, asked if I could answer a question. I agreed. He asked: “Would you like if a stranger man undressed in front of you?”. I said no and went on. Later I laughed much at that and I thought what would have happened if I said yes? :D People can be so funny.