Getting worse

Let's review: I ask a girl out to a football game (last Friday), which is then cancelled. She invites me to her house (tomorrow) instead. She then invites me to a nice hotel instead. This is where we left off. This is the cliffhanger. And this, my friends, is where I end up falling off into a flattening doom, à la Wile E. Coyote.

No matter how we spend our first date, it won't be this weekend either, because she's grounded. It's unfortunate, but I don't blame her. I blame myself. I know there's no one to blame here, but I feel better blaming someone, and why not the one person who won't get mad at me for blaming him? On second thought, this must be the work of what they used to call Providence: that which gives -- or, in my case, that which holds back just to watch me run and try to grab it.

I'm kind of hesitant to call it a first date. It is, but however it turns out, it will probably be so lame, as dates go. You'd think I should take her out to a movie or something, but she's not really allowed to go to the movies. Other than that, I have no ideas, so whatever we do (unless she suggests something) I'll have to think it up fast.

I'm pretty much hesitant about everything. I feel awkward about the whole thing. She's nice, but I'm not sure about how it will go. That is, I'm not sure if she's "me." Will things snap together? Are they doomed to fail? Will I care either way? I do think it's worth a stab. I don't know why, but I feel an urge to go into it. It could be due to sociocultural influences or perhaps those pesky biochemical ones (thank you, psychology class).

Another question is: Will I be good enough for her? She was in a serious and (I'd assume) very long relationship when I met her. What do I have that he doesn't? How can I make up for what I lack? Will she care? But those are thoughts for another time.

She could fill a gap that needs to be filled. Everyone could use another soul to confide in, as most of us haven't any. I think she could give more of a purpose to my life, as a best friend for which to live. Sometimes I feel like a piece of me is missing and that it can be found in some girl somewhere. Of course I'll have to go in and get it back, so as to be truly a man, but that can wait for another time. It seems sometimes that I'm going crazy. I need some sort of peace of mind that can keep me anchored to the ground.

In the meantime, I've even been hesitant to talk about it with other people, mainly because it's embarrassing. I mean, one person whose name I won't mention -- actually, I will, Yamilee -- keeps asking me about it. It started when she asked her perennial question ("Do you have a girlfriend?") which all overtly nosy girls must ask me. When I said "Well, kind of..." she rejoiced for me like I was a 30-year-old who had just learned to tie his shoes. Just today, as we were about to get out of school, she asked had we made it official, and I suggested wouldn't that be kind of hard if we hadn't been on a date yet, and then proceeded to say I would throw something at her if she kept making a huge deal where other people could hear.

It's occurred to me that I haven't mentioned her by name in this post, and that's just fine for all of you, especially you from school who will pester me about this the next time you see me (you know who you are).

In the present state of things, we have not made it "official." We are only vaguely aware of one another, being in that fragile state between the asking out and the first date. Prolonging this period only heightens the tensions that I've expressed above. So maybe -- just maybe -- it wasn't meant to be. But time will tell.